Friends With Benefits Won't Ever Benefit You
By Rori Raye
If you're afraid of losing a man because you won't agree to a "friends with benefits" type of arrangement, I've got news for you: you've already lost him. And if you do agree to sex without exclusivity, the only thing you will lose – the thing that really matters – is yourself.
That's a terrible place to be and one I would never wish for you. I know, because I've been there – until I raised my self esteem to the point I was finally able to attract my husband.
There are a lot of reasons why a man would want to have a "friends with benefits" arrangement with you – and I say arrangement, because you're fooling yourself if you think this is a real relationship.
Some men don't need more than such an arrangement with you. There may not be another woman. There may be many other women. There may not be another woman for years. Makes no difference. He may never be into any woman. He may frequent prostitutes for all you know. Every time you sleep with him you are physically endangering yourself (I hope you're using condoms).
Either way, the truth is that – just like the movie says – he's not into you. This might be painful to hear at first, but what will cause you even more misery is sticking with such a situation. Here's how to break free:
DROP HIM FROM YOUR LIFE IMMEDIATELY
That means no contact whatsoever. And that includes no "bumping into him" at places you both go to like the gym. Join another gym or take up a new sport – you never know what kind of great new men you'll meet there.
BE VERY STRONG WHEN HE PROTESTS
And he will. A man like this will up his ante the minute you back off. He will show up at your doorstep. He will call you. He will try to belittle you, he will call you crazy, he will get angry, he will try to make your life a hell until you start sleeping with him again and being his friend.
You're going to have to be very, very strong and tell him this:
"I feel so bad, so vulnerable, so lost and sad. I feel like I haven't taken care of myself. I can't handle seeing you. It feels too bad. I can't be your friend, and I don't want to be your friend until I no longer feel attached to you. So please don't call me again, or come over."
If he doesn't get the message and you feel threatened in any way, you must call the police.
I know this is going to be very hard for you, but you can do it. The reason why it's so difficult is because when we're involved with a man like this, he becomes an addiction. So you have to treat him like any other drug – stay away from him. Yes, you'll feel miserable at first. But you must do everything you can to stay focused on yourself, your friends, and your life.
This means I'm going to ask you to do something you'll probably wince at. I want you to date a lot of men. That's right.
GET OUT THERE AND DATE
Every time a single man even looks at you kindly, I want you to smile back at him. I want you to take every invitation you get to anywhere. I want you out of the house and in the company of some man.
I want you to experience what it feels like to be with a man who is not like a drug. Yeah, maybe a boring man, maybe a quiet man, maybe a not-so-sexy man, maybe a man you can't or won't fall in love with. The point is to raise your self-esteem so you do realize you are worth much more than a "friends with benefits" scenario.
When this happens, I can guarantee you'll wonder what you ever saw in your "friend with benefits" in the first place. You'll be too busy living your life – and being wooed by great men who want a real relationship with you – to notice.
Summary: If you're afraid of losing a man because you won't agree to a "friends with benefits" type of arrangement, I've got news for you: you've already lost him. And if you do agree to sex without exclusivity, the only thing you will lose – the thing that really matters – is yourself. That's a terrible place to be and one I would never wish for you. I know, because I've been there – until I raised my self esteem to the point I was finally able to attract my husband.
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